Dah bootay gurl

I don’t expect anyone to understand how I feel right now. I’ve literally just been sitting in my bed every night now and crying. I just miss him so much. This has never happen to me. I’ll start to feel better for a while and then I’ll remember little things. Like stupid things but they mean so much to me. Every fight. Every little memory the littleist details. It’s so hard. The hardest part is knowing he is always gonna have some new girl on his mind. I’m nothing now. I can’t even talk to anyone. Im just gonna cry myself to sleep again, be okay for a little bit and then break down tomorrow morning. Go to school be fine come home start thinking. Be okayish. Then breakdown again. Like seriously what’s wrong with me I deserve a lot better but I really don’t because he is perfect. I want to forget everything go back 9 months and change my whole life. Not throw that party with Sarah. Then I probably wouldn’t be on the path I’m on now. Sometimes I believe it fate. If things are meant to be they would. I wish I didn’t get so upset about this. It was just a small relationship right? It just completely changed my life. My life is totally altered. I’m scared to meet someone new because I know they wont be him. Things won’t last. Things won’t be as good as they were. All the issues made the relationship. Idc. I’m just on my iPod blasting music crying. I remember the trip to new jersey. Or how he met me at school and got in trouble but I just remember exactly how he looked the moment I saw him. It’s way to hard. I know if I ever saw him again I would completely break down. It’s easier when you don’t see people. It always is. You can say so much other stuff and trick yourself into thinking the person is someone else. I remember when I was happy with him, I never felt upset anymore. Some how he got me to gain feelings back. Like there was something important in my life. I totally didn’t treat him right and I regret it so much now. It’s funny because you notice all the good things and nothing bad when you miss someone. Then you start noticing all the bad things you did. Blaming yourself. It’s so easy for him, he has someone now. It’s to easy to move on now. I hate going on tumblr and seeing all his posts for her. While I’m over here scaring every single guy away by crying about him. It’s not my fault I’m upset I just need someone to listen without getting totally pissed off. I miss waking up next to him. Making shrimp faces. Saying leetle Bebe squirrel boy. I can’t seem to get rid of anything no matter how hard I try. I can’t cross off things on my wall. Delete pictures. Put stuff in a box, throw away notes because they just mean so much to me. I can’t even delete the text I sent him that he saved on the phone that is now mine. Which makes things worse cause every time I txt someone I feel like I need to text him. And this is completely random but I just miss flirting with him. I feel like I can’t say anything. It kills me ii can’t say I love him. I’m hurting so bad that I want to date him but I know if I got my chance I wouldn’t take it because it would hurt to much to end again. I hate how we planned stuff like getting married at McDonald’s in California. Stupid stuff like that makes me die inside. The fact he is the only guy I could be myself with kills me. I just need him. I just need a hug. It’s so hard, I’m trying to help out my friend who is in the same situation and it makes me die. I remember when he used to say the same things my friend is saying to his gf to me. It’s always the hardest losing your first love. Apparently your suppose to fall in love 5 times before you get married. I don’t think I can. This once was to much to handle. I don’t even want to try to hangout with other people. I just can’t. I’m still crying and this is the hardest thing to type ever. I don’t want to talk to him because I know it will keep hurting me but I’m literally in love with him. I’m going to try my hardest to move on but I know thats not gonna get me very far. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep now. Goodnight tumblr :’(

I can’t go on it unless I’m on my iPod. This is horrible